Fear


“Write about your absolute worst fear.”

So that you all may truly understand how terrifying my absolute worst fear is, I have created a list of my top five fears, #1 being the worst. I’m kind of a coward, thus it was easy to think of five things off the top of my head, so I thought I may as well write about them.

Here we go! I hope this post makes you at least slightly uncomfortable at some point.

I am afraid of:

5. Spiders/creepy crawlies.

I’ll admit it, here on the internet for everyone to see. Spiders, beetles, moths… they freak me out. They’re fine out in the wild, where they belong and where I won’t go– but as soon as they invade my personal space, that’s when the heart-racing and the gooseflesh begins. You can’t exactly blame me, because despite their intricate designs, most insects and arachnids are gross-looking. And you can try, but trust me, reason won’t help me get over my fear. You can make the point that they’re harmless– it doesn’t matter. They’re still disturbing. You can make the point that they’re smaller than me– it doesn’t matter. So are grenades.

4. Oceans

I don’t mind swimming, it can be fun on a hot day. But pools aren’t so bad. They have diving boards and slides and all sorts of fun things, and there are lifeguards there to help you. It’s lakes and oceans that I’m afraid of. So deep and dark that anything could reside in them, even if it’s just seaweed that tickles your toes and gives you the heebie-jeebies. I know I’m just paranoid– I know that. But you can’t tell me not to be afraid when I know there are sharks, whales, octopi, giant squids, and other powerful sea creatures that could hurt or kill me on accident (or on purpose). Heck, even giant jellyfish are terrifying, not to mention whatever other ginormous, undiscovered creatures live in the depths of the sea. Don’t ever ask me to go swimming in the ocean. And future husband, don’t you ever ask me to go on a cruise. I won’t do it.

3. Messing up.

It’s so cliche, but I think deep down everyone is scared of failing or making a fool of themselves. For me, this fear really gets to me when I’m on stage. I am a pianist and I play and sing for my church, for both the regular service and for youth group. It’s my fear that one day I’ll start a song or be playing some solo and I’ll make a dramatic mistake. I’m afraid I’ll play a chord wrong, or I’ll start in a wrong key, or I’ll try to harmonize and miss the note entirely. I have managed to overcome this fear for the most part, and now it mostly just lives in the back of my mind, where it doesn’t bother me on a regular basis. How did I overcome this fear, you ask? I don’t know, really. I think it has something to do with playing nearly every week for five years. Practice makes perfect, and I love doing it, too. And like it says in 1 John 4, “Perfect love casts out all fear.” (This verse is used slightly out of context, but it’s true in this case because God is love, and when I get nervous I focus on playing for Him.)

2. Conflict

Now we’re getting a little more personal. I don’t think anyone really likes conflict (at least not anyone sane…) but for me it’s a bit more intense. I can’t bear any sort of conflict, at least not without feeling anxious or uncomfortable, even if it’s something small like a simple disagreement. I care and feel too deeply, I suppose. I just want everything to go smoothly and for everyone to be happy. So misunderstandings, disagreements, confrontations, debates– I’m scared of all these and more. I think it’s because of three things: 1. I’m scared of hurting people’s feelings. Life is hard, and I don’t want to make it any harder. In fact, I’d rather lighten the load, make people smile and feel loved if I can. 2. I am scared of my feelings getting hurt. I am overly sensitive, it’s a fact, so it’s understandable that I don’t want to be hurt, right? I also can’t think very clearly or quickly in overwhelming and stressful situations. I can keep calm and collected, but more often than not I don’t know what to say. So, as you can imagine, I’m not very useful during debates because I’m not a quickwit and I’m afraid of looking stupid. Which leads me to 3. I am careful of my reputation. I don’t want to be considered a bully or a know-it-all or judgmental or stubborn or anything like that. At the same time, though, I don’t want to be seen as a dimwit or a weakling or a doormat. No, the person I want to be is kind, honest, considerate, and loving, but I’m afraid that when conflict arises, I won’t be able to find the middle ground, and I’ll either be seen as mean or dumb. Thus, I don’t seek out conflicts, and, coward though I may be, I will do everything in my power to avoid them.

If you are a Christian, you may be thinking that conflict is sometimes necessary if we want to further the Kingdom of Heaven here on earth. And I know– I understand that I may have to face my fear one day, if God decides to lead me into a conflicting situation where I need to make a stand for Him. When that day comes, and I know it will, I’ll just have to rely on Him to give me the courage to face the conflict, the words to stand firm in what I believe in a peaceful way, and the heart to continue to love and forgive the people involved whether or not it goes well.

Ephesians 6:10-20, specifically verses 19 and 20.

And now, for my absolute worst fear…

1. Being ordinary

Nothing scares me more than the idea that I could live a meaningless life, that I could die someday having done nothing with my time here. I guess, more than anything, I want to live an adventurous life full of passion and purpose. I want my life to mean something. And the idea that I could die without accomplishing anything or going anywhere or changing anybody is more terrifying than spiders or oceans or even conflict, and I am willing to face those fears and so much more if I can only avoid the fate of being ordinary.

What about you? What are you afraid of, and why are you afraid of it? (Comment below if you’re brave enough!)

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6 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Karli
    Jun 09, 2015 @ 12:05:49

    Awesome blog post! I fear a lot of those things too. But probably my worst fears are…sharks, because they are a huge set of sharp teeth that arises out of the beauty that is the ocean, and that’s just downright unnatural. Plus, they can bite your arm off O.O also, I am afraid when people start crying in front of me, and telephone calls! *screams*

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  2. Gabi M.
    Jun 09, 2015 @ 14:57:28

    I love this!!
    My fears:

    1. Spiders
    2. Conflict
    3. People not liking me
    4. Terrible things happening to my kids (or anyone for that matter)
    5. Imperfection

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  3. Katie J
    Jun 10, 2015 @ 13:44:34

    Clever, “if you’re brave enough.” I am! ;)

    1. Slugs

    That’s it.

    Ok but also conflict, being ignored or rejected, aaaaaand…. getting poor grades.

    Like

    Reply

    • Mary P.J.
      Jun 11, 2015 @ 08:33:57

      I knew it. XD Haha.

      But also all of those other ones are really scary, too. I’m sure I’ll understand being afraid of getting poor grades once I get to college…

      Like

      Reply

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